Celebrity Horse Knockout – BBC Choice Monday, 20.00pm

New! Action-rammed family entertainment show co-hosted by hardman Grant Mitchell and Richard “The Vole” Hammond. A wide spectrum of the celebrity ranks reprise their most significant punchy roles as they compete to deliver a devastating knockdown blow to an anatomically accurate recreation of a horse’s head. This week: Brad Pitt from Snatch, Clyde the orangutan from Every Which Way but Loose, the hand puppet Mr Punch, Uma Thurman from Kill Bill II and Sylvester Stallone from Antz.
Highlights: Richard “The Shrew” Hammond gawping like a wide-eyed dullard child as some ashamed boffins show him how they’ve 3D printed a horse skull and covered it in ballistics gel.
Playful, tightly-scripted banter as Richard “The Plague-Rat” Hammond ribs hardman Grant Mitchell about EastEnders then simpers timidly as hardman Grant Mitchell uses his compelling acting chops to loom over him like a threatening pantomime villain.
Lowlights: During an interview segment, a pixelated ex-streetfighter and thug breaks down into tears as he relates to hardman Grant Mitchell the grim story of how his childhood of deprivation and domestic abuse led him to a lifetime of violence. The cameraman pans hesitantly away throughout, seemingly unsure if this is okay. Richard “The Despicable Vermin” Hammond puts his finger on his chin and makes a serious face.

David Cronenberg’s Red Dwarf – Channel 5 Wednesday, 22.00pm

Chillingly masterful reworking of the cult TV phenomenon. Not a trace of the original’s far-out, zany humour remains in this, Cronenberg’s most psychologically scarring offering to date. Dave Lister – played by Golden Globe winner Joaquin Phoenix – endlessly roams the labyrinthine decks of an immense, cold space vessel, alternately weeping and laughing at the abject horror of his being the last example of a long-extinct humankind. His only crewmates are Academy Award winner Adrien Brody’s Rimmer – the hologram of a dead crewman driven to madness and obsessive compulsion by the body-shock of his resurrection, and a cat which merely serves to underscore his loneliness by its fear of him. Irresistible, if uncomfortable viewing.
Highlights: The protracted end scene of this episode sees Lister drunk and howling like a hurt animal as he barrels and tumbles brokenly down a dark service tunnel in pursuit of the cat. As it draws to a close, his tears and plaintive cries of love and assurance are interspersed with fast cuts to the cornered creature’s huge, terrified eyes filling the frame.
Lowlights: No Holly.

So You Think You Can Bellow? – ITV1 Thursday, 20.30pm

The votes are in! Britain’s perpetually tiresome communities have irreversibly nominated the most vocal of their denizens to join Brian Blessed for eight eardrum-destroying weeks in the specially-constructed Shoutodrome. Who’ll be staying? Who’ll be going home a shuddering husk?
Highlights: Blessed’s baffling, blasphemous, obscenity-strewn ‘Finishing Moves’ are an absolute joy to the ears. Also, the programme in its entirety is just as loud as the advert breaks, so you won’t be reaching for that remote every fifteen minutes.
Lowlights: Due to the nature of the contestants, there’s a dire lack of sad back stories on their part. Each of them appears to be entering first and foremost for themselves.

Nazi Conservatories – Yesterday Saturday, 17.00pm

Documentary. At the midpoint of Word War II, so sure of victory was Hitler’s regime that they began funnelling vast amounts of funding into home improvement, focussing cruelly upon the creation of spaces that blurred the divide between house and garden. This week, presenter Charlie Dimmock delves into this disturbing chapter of architectural history and uncovers the remnants of Rudolf Hess’ conservatory-cum-greenhouse where he is known to have created his “racially pure” Aryan Tomatoes.
Highlights: Dimmock’s sensitivity and tact in dealing with this kind of subject is refreshing. The programme never veers into the bombastic territory that so many revel in and is all the better for it.
Lowlights: The final piece-to-camera feels a touch contrived. Dimmock looks thoughtfully at a tomato as she processes all she’s learned on her journey: “…and it’s hard to believe,” she says, “that something so monstrous could create something so beautiful.”

Fred Dibnah’s Northern Clichés – More4 Sunday, 18.30pm

Steam Engines. Whippets. Flat caps. Mines. Ferrets. Tea. Steeplejacks. Bitter. Canals. Brass bands. Kestrels. All that shit. Fred Dibnah bangs on about it. Unrelentingly. Remorselessly. You think he might stop, but he doesn’t. He never shuts up. Never. On and on he goes, like how you imagine Wallace will be when Grommit dies. Only worse. Oh, there’s an advert break. Phew. Christ he’s back again. The programme just cuts in mid-sentence. I think he’s been talking the whole time throughout the break. He doesn’t even know he’s on TV. That they’re filming him. Someone should tell him. This isn’t right. Fucking hell he’s still going. Like some crushingly dull steam-juggernaut built solely to haul boredom ingots. Blah bleh blah ferrets. Someone should stop him. Make him understand. Tell him that the North of England isn’t like that anymore. That in the North, technology and arts are burgeoning. It won’t stop him though. Nothing will stop him. Fred can’t hear you. Won’t hear you. Fred will have the last word. Fred’s last word will unmake the world.
Highlights: So droning and monotonous are Dibnah’s mad, redundant ramblings that they often take on an almost hypnotic quality, like a screen displaying static late at night – taking you inside yourself and showing you everything you’ve ever done wrong.
Lowlights: Everything else.

Stay tuned,

OXO